co-founder of Mama Bird Box

The Magic of a Bath in Motherhood

An evening bath has a magical, intangible quality to me in motherhood. My mother and sisters would agree. My sisters and I grew up seeing our mother’s daily routine include an evening bath. In high school I was a shower girl, and I never really understood why our mom always took a bath. (High schoolers can be ridiculously judgmental over trivial things.) She said she didn’t like showers because of Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. Maybe. Or maybe she needed to say, “I need a bath to wash away all the stress that has been put on me with two teenagers and an elementary kid. You are a handful and I need to forget about all of it for 10-30 minutes. Alone.”

In my younger years, I enjoyed the occasional bath but only if I was extra cold in the wintertime or I wanted to use a fancy bath product, not at all a necessity.

Within this time I saw my older sister Amy step into motherhood and take on this nightly bath ritual. Before kids, she was the same as me; baths were nice, but not everything. I don’t think we talked too much about why she started taking a bath every night after she became a mom, but if we did I wouldn’t have understood, not really.

The routine of a bath for me started when I was pregnant with my first child. I avoided baths and hot, hot water in my first trimester, but then my belly started growing and my back started aching. During my first pregnancy I had the tub of all tubs at this time, a claw-foot tub. A perfect one. Not too wide, not too deep, and the ideal reclining angle in the back where my head would rest perfectly on the curved edge. I was told getting in the water would help relieve my back pain, but I didn’t have a pool I could access. So I would fill up my perfect tub and feel the weight of my belly float away. And so the ritual began.

The first two or three months after Nora, my first kid, was born, there was no routine for me. Same for when Wesley, the second kid, was born. Everything was interrupted. Babies will always have this sixth sense for needing you the moment you step into the bathroom. For mamas with newborns, setting aside time for anything is impossible. But then, my kids (and so will yours) figured out this thing we call routine. With or without routine, though, after having kids, my person – mind, body, and spirit – calls out for a bath. I still just need a bath.

So why have I come to care so much about taking a bath? For me, I need to wash the day away. I have some days that seem mostly good. There are days that feel all bad and the only redemption in them is that they are over. Most days, however, are a mix of good and bad. Regardless of how the day has gone, I am done at the end of it. If I showed patience with my kids all day, I do not have an infinite amount of it. My patience depletes drastically with each minute that passes before they are in bed. I want to hang on to the good day; I want to end it on a good note, but even holding onto a thread of patience wears on me. It makes me feel tired and emotional in my inner being. So even if my husband sees us having a great day, I want to walk away from it before I snap and undo all of its goodness.

I have had a few occasions when I need to walk away completely when my husband gets home. Out of the house, into my car, and somewhere else. Honestly, most days are not that bad at all, but I still want to have a place for a small retreat. And one that doesn’t require spending money or interacting with other people. I crave time to be alone with my thoughts or a book but without the guilt that there is something more productive to be done. When I’m in the bathtub I’m still kind of productive…good hygiene and all that. But that evening bath that happens after my kids are in bed is more to me than that. I get a quiet time alone, and I come out of a bath with a better perspective on my life. You may scoff, but for me it is so true.

Your “bath” may be actually be a shower or your couch or your car or the streets you run or a solo trip to the grocery store. From this mother, let me encourage you to find a simple thing that can be a part of your daily routine, and retreat, even if it’s only for 5 minutes. My mom would tell you the same thing, too. We are better mothers for it.

My Personal Turmoil Over My Children’s Lovies

Stuffed animals are the cutest…I think because they are snugly and babies are snugly. Cozy, happy emotions are tied up in both the baby and the animal. My kids have stuffed animals…we call them lovies in general. Bo and Giraffe are their names, and they hold much value to our family. If you want all of my money, then steal my kids’ lovies…I will pay ransom.

I didn’t want my kids to have such strong attachments to inanimate objects, but they do. I wrestle over my own relationship with my kids’ lovies. There are benefits and there are drawbacks which leave me uncertain to how to encourage parents of new babies on this topic. Sometimes the negatives seem to outweigh the positives. Image of Lovies for Mama Bird Blog

The toting around, the keeping up with, the misplacing, the searching, the delayed bedtimes, the delayed leavings, the tears of a lovie left behind.

But yet, I’m the one who chose this route, and I would do it all over again. Why?

The sweetness, the cuddling, the thoughtfulness. The sleep.

My oldest, Nora, received her bunny, Bo, when she was 6 months old, the perfect age for forming an attachment. I wanted her to have something to sleep with because at the time I was working and traveling a lot. I needed Nora to know that when she had her lovie it was time to sleep whether we we were in the car, a hotel, or her grandparents’ house. It worked flawlessly. But then as soon as she could pull up, I would catch her sneaking into her room to rescue Bo from her crib. Sooner than I could blink Bo was her Beloved and her comfort and made every new place and every injury better.

We’ve had our scares and long searches for Nora’s lovie. The worst being Nora dropped him on a walk at a city park. His rescue happened after several calls to all places visited that day and a frantic jog along our trodden path that evening. At that point I wrote on Bo’s tag, “Very Special,” with my phone number.

It came off after about 3 washes.

(People keep telling me this clever idea that we should have two of each of their lovies. Here’s why I think this is flawed, at least for us. I would have had to know the day I gave them their lovies that strong attachments would be formed. One month of love shows on a lovie. It would only work if I exchanged the lovies every other day to let them get an equal amount of love and grossness on them. They know their lovies by appearance only, even before they smell and feel them. There’s no way I could have introduced a lovie clone and expected it to stay that way. Great in theory, just not for us.)

Nora at five years old does not have the attachment she did at 2; however, he was in tow on her first day of preschool; and he is still her favorite thing to snuggle if she’s sad; and he is still for bedtime.

Wesley’s relationship with his lovie, Giraffe, is more complex. His attachment formed at about 4 months and with that Wesley became a thumb sucker. On one outing, my sister Amy sat in the back seat of the car with him and watched him twist Giraffe around and around until he found just the right leg to grip and then suck his thumb. Then he’d drop Giraffe, cry, and start the process all over again.

When Wesley was 9 month old at his well check-up, I asked the pediatrician if I should get rid of Giraffe to make Wesley stop sucking his thumb. He said no. I asked again 3 months later; he said no. I asked again 6 months later because I knew if I was going to have to make the break some day, the sooner the better. He said, “No. We aren’t going to talk about that until he’s like 5 or 6. And then we’re just going to talk about it. That’s not saying we’re going to do anything.” He assured me (and opinions may differ) that it would do more damage to him psychologically to take his lovie away than to let him suck his thumb.

I asked the dentist, just in case he was wrong. The dentist said the same thing.

So here we are at age three with Giraffe and a thumb that make the world a more manageable place.

Here are my pros to having a lovie:

Using them as puppets is magical. If my kids are antsy or cranky, then all I have to do is put on a Bo and Giraffe puppet show and I hear nothing but giggles.
Calming down is made simple. Water + Lovie = Calm (usually)
When one has wronged another, accidental or otherwise, they are taught to apologize and ask if there is anything that the wrong-doer can do, anything they can get for the one-who-was wronged. The request from the victim is most always a lovie. Now they could request something else, but it is sweet for me to observe the wrong-doer retrieve the lovie to make things right.
Going to sleep is just a little simpler.
New places have something familiar.
When my kids snuggle their lovies, they also usually snuggle with me.

Here are my cons to having a lovie:

The fear of losing them. My heart sinks any time Bo or Giraffe is misplaced, especially if it’s in a public space.
The restrictions to other kids that Bo and Giraffe are special. We encourage sharing, but not for the lovies. However this is occasionally difficult depending on the age of the visiting friend or the dog that we are seeing.
Staying asleep is a little harder. Wesley still wakes up and comes to get me if he can’t find Giraffe. Giraffe falls off the bed, usually the wall side, and no sleep will happen until he’s retrieved. This happens about twice a week.
Wash day is hard. Inevitably something will happen and Nora or Wesley will want/”neeeeed” their lovie, but it is soaking wet in a wash cycle. It. Never. Fails.
The judgment. Sometimes we moms are gracious to each other and sometimes we aren’t. And we seem to lack empathy and grace when we aren’t struggling with the same thing. I know there are parents and non-parents who think we are ridiculous for toting these stuffed animals around, for letting our child be so dependent on a lovie for comfort and sleep, for letting my kid suck his thumb.

I know there are things that can be said, but these lovies are my sanity. My kids need them, so I need them. I will pay a ransom. Name your price. My kids will just owe me in about 20 years. Bo & Giraffe, the chosen lovies | Mama Bird Blog

Interview with Mica May of May Designs

We have been fans of May Designs for a while now; from personalized journals to photo books, this paper company is terrific. Mica May, the mother of the May Designs and mother of three, is a woman who allowed her passion to dictate her profession. We are in awe of mothers in general, and we feel inspired by their stories of pursuing their dreams. We loved hearing from Mica about motherhood, her business, and the crossover between the two.

What came first, your business or your babies?
My business came first, followed shortly by my first baby.

Which was the less intimidating journey to begin?
I’m generally not a fearful person, so neither journey was scary to me beforehand. Ignorance was bliss! I didn’t know what it would be like having 3 kids back to back (one with special need), and I didn’t know beforehand about the difficulties that would come with having this business either. It’s in hindsight that I realize the hardships, but I wasn’t intimidated beforehand!

What is a personality trait that is necessary to portray in both your business and in motherhood?
Being flexible. The ability to adapt to change and new situations that arise is so crucial for both business and motherhood.

How do you decompress from a day of work and parenting?
I usually decompress by going on a date night with my husband. We’re committed to a date night once a week, no matter what. We always try to put our kids to bed ourselves if we can, but then once they’re in bed we’ll get a sitter and walk down the street for a glass of wine!

Describe your ideal work environment.
I think we’ve been able to make May Designs into an environment we love, which is so great! Our studio is an inspiring place to be and our location here in downtown Austin is amazing. We have a work-hard, play-hard culture and we really value flexibility. If I need to step out and pick up kids from ballet, I know that’s okay and I’ll work again later to finish my things. Oh and there are always candles and cookies and cocktails around!

Do you use your notebooks for quick note taking and/or true journaling?
I originally made a May Book to have one place to write everything. Whether it is work notes, grocery lists, personal to do lists, my May Book is where I put everything! I literally have a May Book with a monogram that says “All the Things” and it’s like a post-it-note catch-all that stays in my purse.

Did you journal during your pregnancies?
Yes! I designed our Bump Diary so I could journal during my pregnancy and then once I had my first baby, I designed the Baby Diary so I could journal throughout his first few months. Loved it!

Do you write in your journal for you or for your kids to later read for themselves?
I do! For example, I have a notebook for Madelyn where I write down all of the funny sayings and hilarious comments she makes. I love looking back through those and I can’t wait for her to read them one day.

How would you encourage new moms to capture their beginning of motherhood?
To me, I think I take a million photos with my camera (way more than I need to!) because it solidifies that the moment happened. I might never send every single photo to a grandmother, or post them all on Instagram, but since I have all of the photos, I can easily remember all of those special moments- early snuggles of a newborn, making cookies with Madelyn, Harper up on the counter helping me make coffee, so many memories!! And when doubts creep in about being a working mom, I can look back at my photos and see how much fun we’ve had together and all of the things we’ve done as a family! I could let mom guilt get in the way, or I can remember all of the amazing times we have!

In what way do you take time for yourself that you feel, in turn, helps you function better as a mother?
A quick stroll through Anthropologie or a midnight run to Target will completely inspire and recharge me! It gives me the energy and creativity to color with the kids or do fun projects when I feel inspired. I love to roll my windows down and drive while listening to a podcast or my favorite music. That’s my time to not be on a phone call, not have someone asking me questions, and not have kids hanging on me. Driving around for a bit works wonders!

Do you have someone speaking encouragement to you in motherhood? What is the thing you remind yourself of the most?
I always remind myself of something my mom told me once. She said that ten or fifteen minutes of eye contact once or twice a day with a kid will make them feel like they’re the king or queen of the world. So I try to commit to having alone time each of my kids for 10-15 minutes every day. No phone and no multitasking. I get to talk to them about school, ask them questions, and just love on them! They walk away feeling like I just filled their love tank and it’s the best! To me, quality time is much more important than quantity. If I’m getting to spend twenty minutes alone with each kid each day, I’m going to make sure it’s the greatest twenty minutes!